The above is the cover for the audiobook for “Four Takeaways And A Funeral” a reshaping of the original book cover and so I thought I’d grace you with the Belly Dancer as well.
Here is the last taster of The Woman Who Wanted To Be Funny. Not that I have finished it or anything, but I don’t want to give too much away…
The next newsletter will be the beginning of a diary…I’m not sure who yet but there are a few contenders, The Bag Lady, Mavis, or perhaps George the director from Lockdown…do you have any favorites?
The Woman Who Wanted To Be Funny
Son One
Pete was still watching cricket when Rory my eldest son arrived. Rory has as much interest in cricket as I do and when he saw his father cheering on the West Indies he headed into the kitchen to find me by the cooker, frying. He head-kissed me a ‘hello” and I melted——until Fiona, his partner appeared.
I hardly see my son now and when I do it is always with her and Freddie a five-year-old so-and-so from a previous marriage who I would happily punch in the mouth.
Not that I’m possessive or anything, but I do grit my teeth whenever they appear. She has my son eating out of her hands along with various other parts I dare not think about and Freddie has no idea how to sit still. His main hobby is patting every animal he passes, asking questions that I can’t answer, and staring inches from my face like there is something behind it that will burst out at any moment.
Freddie has the deadpan face of the comedian Steve Hughes and as many opinions and my son is so besotted with her he doesn’t see it. He thinks she is a great mother ‘who had to put up with so much’ although he never elaborated on the ‘much’ apart from calling Freddie’s father a dickhead.
Thank god they are not married or even live together, it gives me hope that it may not last, although Pete seems to think it’s a partnership made in heaven.
I wanted to be happy for them…I sincerely did. But Freddie makes me feel like the wicked witch of the north while Fiona makes me feel like an old has-been and every time Rory turns to her, “the oracle” rather than me my heart breaks…
Just breathe I told myself relax….it’s just a short coffee visit, nothing to worry about——no food…
The first time Rory turned up with Fiona it was for a Sunday roast. I had pulled out all the stops. Rory had never brought a girl home before and I wanted to make her feel at home, welcomed, I pictured us, best friends—caring about the same man, swapping recipes and antidotes, chuckling over his baby photos.
Fiona has as much interest in baby photos as the kitchen…so much so that Rory cooks which is a complete surprise to me and an endless source of “well I never” from Pete.
The table was laid with nothing missing, matching cutlery, salt and pepper in shakers, napkins——the works. Rory had done nothing but talk of this Wonder Woman…and Pete seemed to think it was the real deal.
I lit a candle and gestured for her to sit. She pulled up a seat full of smiles which froze when I plonked a plate of succulent roast lamb inches from her plate.
The table fell silent.
I thought they were impressed. It was a huge leg of lamb that had taken half a day to cook, it had been in the oven so long the flesh was nearly falling off. Making a show of things I reached for the carving knife, it glistened under the candlelight as I, with ‘executioner’ energy sharpened the knife…
I made to carve, then caught her staring at it like it was about to leap up and bite her in the neck.
“Is that meat mummy?” Freddie bellowed.
“Well yes it is” she blushed.
“Did it scream when it was killed?”
“Well arrh…” she looked at me.
“Fiona doesn’t eat meat,” Rory said with a sour look my way.
“I’ll just have some vegetables” muttered Fiona.
“They stick rubber bands around lambs nuts” Freddie glared at me.
“Quiet” hissed Fiona.
I turned to my son. “If you had told me she was a vegetarian I would have cooked something different.”
“Vegan,” he said.
“Same thing isn’t it?”
“Not really….” muttered Rory.
“They gas pigs” Freddie glared at me “and crush male chicks like this…” Freddie said scrunching a napkin inches from my face.
Fiona snatched Freddie’s napkin, “I said be quiet,” she turned to me “I’ll just have the potatoes and veg.”
“…And I did say ” snapped Rory.
“He did. I heard him” added Pete.
I threw Pete a “cheers” glare.
“It’s ok really.” Fiona blushed again, “I can eat the potatoes and…” she turned to Rory. “Your mum doesn’t use animal fat does she?”
This week’s budding Author has a book out on Amazon for £0.99
Vengence and Desire by Catherine Jan
Dominic Black never claimed to be a saint. Not in his three-piece suit and designer shoes, he looked like a vagrant with the face of a Greek god, everyone has their secrets but his past haunts him…a cross too heavy to set down.
Until next time happy reading.
Bloody Fiona!
Hahaha I love this! The voice of your narrator is so compelling - absolutely awesome!